I know some people would prefer I wrote about the evils of the war on drugs & the Military Industrial Complex as I did in a prior life.
Some people might think when considering the umpteen blogs there are of transwomen writing about being trans & transgender related issues, it’s boring, boring, boring I’m yet another transwoman writing a blog primarily about being trans. I’ve often thought it myself in the past that it would be fucking boring to write a personal blog about being trans considering the multitude of personal blogs of transwomen writing about trans related stuff, but I primarily write for myself & right now I feel an overwhelming need to write about being trans & transgender related issues.
Apart from being trans is what I currently want to write about, it’s what I feel I’m best qualified to write about. It’s not like I’m not qualified to give political commentary on the Military Industrial Complex & the shit hitting the fan in the Middle East, but there are peeps better able then I to give the comprehensive commentary on stuff like the Military Industrial Complex etc & though I keep up an interest in current affairs it’s just not what I want to be doing any longer.
Of course some would try & make out that despite being trans I’m not actually best qualified to write about being trans & trans related stuff, well I don’t deny that everything I blog here is purely my own personal opinions & I’m certainly not arrogant or egotistical enough to claim I’m any kind of transgender expert & as it goes personally I think there are far too many self appointed ‘experts’ in the trans community. Those who usually make out that I’m not best qualified to write about trans stuff in fact tend to be peeps in the trans community who just happen to not appreciate what I’ve to say about trans related stuff or the manner which I express it, fair enough that not everybody is going to get my angst or punk rock swagger, but it doesn’t mean I’m not qualified to write about being trans or trans related stuff in how it relates to me, because me thinks I’m very much the best person to give commentary on my own life & how various wider issues relate to it or affect it.
If I had to sell this blog, I’d counter any argument it’s boring & predictable for me as a transwoman writing about trans related stuff, by saying that amongst transwomen I’ve a unique perspective as I’m not sure how many other transwomen out there are aspie & have physical disabilities. Though this blog is primarily about being trans etc, it’s more than just about trans related stuff, it’s also about being how being aspie & physical disabilities impacts upon my life & the perspective it gives me upon world.
So I spent yesterday afternoon frustratingly (to the point of tears) trying to record a vlog & this hadn’t been the first afternoon attempting to record a vlog & me failing to do so yet fucking again. I’ve come to the realization that though in the opinions of some I might not be able to write for squat I’ve obviously got more punk rock swagger when it comes to writing a blog then recording vlog, actually I’ve got no punk swagger at all when it comes to recording a vlog, no confidence what so fucking ever when it comes to recording a vlog & so anybody reading this blog are just going to have to put up with my grammatical & syntax idiosyncrasies. because I’ve got shit to say about stuff.
It’s weird that I’m okay when I’ve done radio (& I’ve done plenty mainly in the United States), I’d be okay if I was being recorded for an online broadcast as part of a conversation on Skype or Google Hangout, I’d be okay if somebody stuck a video camera in front of me & kind of interviewed me, but I stick myself in front of a video camera & I clam up as soon as I press record. It’s not as if I’ve not anything to say about the world, I’ve plenty, but even though I prepare by making notes about what I might want to say in any specific video, time & time again as soon as I press record I clam up. I guess I get some version of stage fright mixed in with problems relating to gender dysphoria, I’d not be surprised if other trans women told me they’ve had similar experiences in being camera shy, though unlike many other trans woman I’m okay on the whole when it comes to having my photo taken, with me it just seems to recording video of myself grrrr & it is grrrr considering where most people are going to get their media from etc.
I had been trying to record a vlog because though there was stuff I wanted to say I had a severe dose of writer’s block, ironically my failure to record a vlog has cured a severe dose of writer’s block, this is the first substantial piece of writing I’ve managed to compose in months that I’m relatively happy with. Though my failure to vlog might of reduced me to tears yesterday in frustration, I shouldn’t be get so hung up about it as it’s cured my writer’s block, which actually was worse then writer’s block, never mind having no confidence in being able video myself for much of 2014 I’ve had fuck all confidence in writing when I’ve had been previously been pretty prolific with swagger, because I was getting all hung up on supposedly not being ‘good enough’ & forgetting most importantly who it is I write for.
I write for myself & fuck what anybody else thinks!
I realise for some people that in an opening entry in a blog that ‘I write for myself & fuck what anybody else thinks’ might sound like a pretty unfriendly attitude to take, but it’s the attitude saying that this blog is about my own overwhelming cathartic needs & that it’s not about being about being word perfect, It’s about being honest to say that I write for my selfish reasons, because I’m happiest when I’m writing & recently I’ve not been writing & I’ve not been happy recently & now I’m back writing I’m not going to have some arsehole troll give me a hard time.